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27 December 2010 @ 11:40 am
Bob passed away early Monday December 27th -his journey is finally over. He's at peace and his spirit is free. He made me promise I would post this right away.

I thank each and every one of you for listening to his story.

25 December 2010 @ 08:51 pm
Here are my pictures of 2010 that I liked and thought were fun...click on and my flickr set should come up...

24 December 2010 @ 02:19 pm
I know that my thoughts have been hard and deep lately and while it helps, I also need to help with my thoughts that will help me..right now Phillip are going though a lot and just talking....and it's really working...so we will be working though our things ourselves. Although there will be times to document here.

My friends and support here are still something I understand that you may want to see, so i'll still be posting, but not the all out raw dump that has been happening..trust me I am not going fast.

And right now I am going through my pics from the last year, so look for those soon!!
23 December 2010 @ 06:41 pm
Today was a restful day for the morning. Phillip came home about 1 or so, I rested until then. I got cleaned up then dressed. And surprisingly I was hungry for Chinese food, so we kept it simple and hit Panda Express. It was good to get out and have lunch/dinner. I was even able to drive, something that is nice for me. That will work for me.

Mentally, I've been deep in thought. I know it will be soon, this year. But I am also looking at the fact that everything is going to be "my last"...including that this Christmas will be my last Christmas. I am trying not to dwell on it, but at the same time need to recognize it for my peace. This includes my birthday, and my brother's birthday (a week before mine). I don't know how to deal with Phillip's birthday in March...

Dates in March are difficult too...his birthday is then, my mom's death is in March, and both his mom and my mom were born on at the end of that month, exactly on the same day (different years though).

Facing "My Last" is a tough thing to write about. It's so final, but really is it? I know I'll see my family when it's time, we'll call them out. I can't deny that for them, yet, they don't need to be here on a "death watch" so they can actually see me take my last breath. I don't need that, but others might...and I have to respect that.

Having death lurking around is tough, something I struggle with. Having the end of your physical life right there, right in front of you, to take stock of it...well, I can't describe it. Taking an inventory...is that right? I know my inventory would be a good one, somewhat decent..

Just places i am at today
22 December 2010 @ 07:58 pm
I have to relate this story here about a person in my past that is important to me. In 1983-ish, I had a group of friends that were a great circle of social friends for a young gay man, just coming out, starting my life. One of the people in the group was somewhat on the "outer edge" and would join us when we got together as his time permitted. His name was Terry. Well, he was (and still is) somewhat of a laid back guy and we hit it off. Needless to say, I was with him for almost ten years until 1995/96. We made somewhat of a life together, nothing like I have now though. Once I realized that it wasn't meant to be life long, I started planning the "breakup", and it was tough for him...but I needed my time, to see what I was about. After about two years of trying to settle property, get him set up, etc., it did not go well.

We sold the house, and by this time, it had broken down so bad, that it was time for me to cut off everything...which I did. Well, after all that time, he finally reached out to me in 2005 or so, and it was nice...he realized that I was trying to stay as friends, and wanted to know if I wanted to keep in touch in a limited way...which of course is what I wanted all along. So, over these years, we would talk once or twice or have lunch or so.

Flash forward to this past couple of weeks. On the 15th, when I officially resigned, he felt an urgent need to get in touch and find out about what was going on...he knew about my cancer, just not the advanced staged it's at now. So, after a few keystrokes, he was able to find me here, through a google search that started at my flickr account. At the same time, I felt the need to text him to let him know about this and he is on Phillip's contact list when that time comes. We talked about an hour last night, and it was good. He'll be out of town until after the first of the year, and we have plans for a visit at the end of next month.

Again, thoughts of where I am going to be at that time...Phillip tells me I worry too much about that future, and to take one day at a time.
22 December 2010 @ 04:01 pm
Felt great today. Went up to my friends gallery to pick up a package, then into the office to say hello and merry Xmas to everyone for the weekend coming up. Getting out into the world has an amazing effect on my mind set and such. I am still struggling with people understanding that I am sick....and they don't quite understand how sick...for example, my brother was asking about seeing the doctor that was going to treat me and try something new. I have stopped all treatments and now it's a "quality" vs. "quantity" time. He needs to understand that, and I don't really know why he hasn't. I really need to settle with the family that I am a very sick man.

The real medical issue really is the strength right now. Physically, my body has not started it's shut down at all. The cancer is advancing as it will, there is not much I can do about that. Any kind of treatment would do me in, vs. the actual cancer itself. When he mentioned that, it kind of took me back about what might be going on in his head...but then again, I don't know. I need to give him all the info and let him process as he will.

My dad is the same way....he mentioned that since I couldn't get to the phone for his call yesterday, that I must be feeling great and out of the house...like I have that option. Really, the only option is trying to get up and down the stairs between the first and second floors!

I have a lot to process...
21 December 2010 @ 04:02 pm
Just wanted to say that I'm still here, resting, relaxing, taking each day as I can. Today was a good day, drove to Starbucks for a tea, it was great to get out and drive...I'm just hanging out doing what I want to do day by day. I can only live for the day. Trust me, I am not ready to go, and there is no "death bed" watch going on.

But, on the reality side of things, it will be this year. Since I am not working, I am under Hospice care to give me comfort and help with the physical aspects of this. My body is no where near shutting down, it just needs to take it easy. I am not in any pain at all, eating what I want, talking and seeing people I want to. Word is getting out and the reactions from friends, neighbors, clients etc are coming in. I don't mind, and trying to not worry about their reaction...I can't control that. Frankly, that's the toughest part of all this.

I am having all kinds of thoughts that I am passing on to Phillip as my wishes, and he is in good shape to handle all the details. He knows me, and we talk a lot. He is a good man, and my number one concern right now. I do tell him everything, and he will be here to keep all of you informed...it's important for me to include all my friends here.

This journal started out as just a fun way to use the internet. but it's turned into something much more. I like to show off sometimes the good times and travels our lives have taken us, but most importantly, the journey that is cancer is rough...and sometimes an outlet like this helps. I have to back it up to keep it so that Phillip may someday look back and have good memories of my journey with this life.

I turn 50 years old on January 24...and I believe I'll get there..after that, who knows...and I have to get to the "who cares" thought about that too...it's just a number. I've had a great life due to great supportive parents, family and most important the family I put together to live my life with, and that would be Phillip as the center of that family. It's never perfect, but I don't regret any of that at all.

I'll be around to write more about all of this, I hope this gives some insight to how things go as one sees the twilight of their life...
17 December 2010 @ 08:54 pm
I have jumped on the bandwagon that is Angry Birds...the game on my iPhone (google it..). I play here and there, just for the fun of it. But you know it's weird, while I like the game and moving on, I am equally fascinated at causing the destruction one must do to play the game..even if I don't clear the level. I like watching the destruction. I find that somewhat interesting...

Just a thought
16 December 2010 @ 02:37 pm
It's amazing how much was on my mind about work...and settling, quitting and such...all those loose ends that were in my mind. But, once done, it's amazing how much it relieves you. I woke up today with a bit more energy, so I enjoyed it...maybe too much. I went out to Starbucks, and got a tea, and treats. I then drove to Phillip's office (ten minutes) to give him his treat, and he was driving out to Best Buy to get a mounting bracket for the new TV...but I was still able to surprise him with his cranberry bliss bar, which he loves and an only get this time of year. It was good to surprise him.

I've been home between the couch, shower, and getting dress and rested. A few minor tummy issues have me watching things this afternoon....and will have to watch my diet tonight..but the nice thing with the home health care is that I have full access to the nurse via phone to have good direction. So for right now, we watch a bit and she is on call that this is an issue, and I can check in 24/7 if there is more than to this...
15 December 2010 @ 08:12 pm
Ok...It's official...today was my last day as an employee of the firm. I had my boss gather the staff (there are about 12 of us) for a short meeting. We discussed that today I was no longer an employee, but will be around somewhat (mostly remotely) to transition, especially after 22 years at one place. The nicest part of the whole thing? Phillip was right by my side the whole time. I spent about 25 minutes talking about the firm, how I hope that the firm continues with the same service, design soul and such that I cherished at that job. As my last post, I am pretty proud of the firm and the work I did there.

So, even though it was somewhat emotional, it was good, and I'm glad I was able to get through it.